| reasons to cry |
[01 Oct 2006|02:36pm] |
its funny when you realize that youve been wrong all along. that when it comes down to it, no one really cares. and its disappointing to see how things evolve. or in this case decay. i can only imagine des esseintes. i can only dream a rebours.
something did leave. something did die. there's no bounce. everyone is always angry at one another. we just keep hurting. it never ends. when will it stop? that ray keeps fading beneath the embers. i am like a coal. i am waiting. waiting for my turn.
tell me you think about me. tell me you care. tell me i'm not sitting here like a wasted corpse. and maybe then i'll stop crying. maybe then these tears won't frequent every night and every day.
tell me.
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| just breathe |
[21 Sep 2006|11:09pm] |
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i know i can do it. i can be.
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| 09/19/06 |
[21 Sep 2006|10:43pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 pissed off |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
third eye blind - how's it gonna be |
] |
it's amazing how much one smile from a random stranger can instill so much happiness. granted it was for two seconds, but it was something. sitting at starbucks waiting for time to go by. i hate the literal. i'd rather speak in silence. i can't take anymore. i want to get out of this.
what is surface? to imprison within one's brain some curious dream from which one fears one might awake. dream. discover. i feel the rush, the welling but nothing happens. it's like he knows. He always knows. what do you do when you can't hide anymore? she passes. i cringe. no. smile. it's in the absence he is present. it's not the being. it's the pedastal, it's his essence. drawn to kill joy. be naked. be open. it's not my time to go.
synethesia.
i think i'll find another way. it's darker now. too much. the artist. the recluse. watch. wait. listen.
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| hows it gonna be |
[18 Sep 2006|05:00pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 distressed |
] |
| [ |
music |
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how's it gonna be - third eye blind |
] |
lately i've been obsessed with this 3eb song. why? not because i'm going through some transformation or anything, but i'm in love with the lyrics. what are we fighting for? is there anything i'm going to miss. how's it going to be when you don't know me anymore.
so yeah. maybe i am going through some transformation. maybe im going through a pseudo transformation. and this time i think it's for me. it's because i want to. because i'm ready. i'm ready to let it all go. because i don't care anymore.
the slavic class is helping. decadence, aesthetes. it's all surface. it's all artifice. everything is shallow. i'm shallow.
i'm talking to this guy right now and he's telling me about how he's sad because he doesn't spend time with his friends anymore. how there was drama and the group broke up. who's fault is that? what is a relationship anyway? so i'm tangent-ing.
i should be writing my paper on salome but i don't know what i'm writing about. metaphors. imagery. the dangers of the gaze. vanity and corruption. visibility/invisibility. i don't know.
some days i am happy. most days i am. but i haven't gotten anywhere. i tell myself that i'll do things. that i will change. but i have an attachment. i can't deny the feeling. no matter what. no matter what happens, i can't deny the feeling.
im numb. i pretend to be numb. i pretend i'm some strong girl who doesn't care what anyone thinks. and in part, that's true. who cares if so and so is thinner than me, if so and so is more attractive. but i regress because i'm writing in my livejournal again. no one reads it so it doesnt really matter.
i'm tired of being the sacrificial lamb. i don't want pity but i'm sick of it. i was raised to be patient, to let people have their way, to avoid confrontation and then one day it'll all pay off. well i can't take it anymore. every day i feel alienated. if i wasn't feeling alienated i would feel like i was living a lie.
i can admit to my social ineptitude or my choice to be anti-social. haha. back into that dark little hole i call home. i resisted the walgreens 24 oz jar. but it'll always be inside me. that's all for now.
and a message for christine. attraction to a gay guy and a white rasta.
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| it's been too long |
[09 Jan 2006|02:42pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 cheerful |
] |
| [ |
music |
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o sailor - fiona apple |
] |
after watching two minutes of days of our lives and searching for something i am always looking for, i decided to come back here...to where thoughts once originated and some sort of expression came in bursts.
2006. i can't make any predictions about how absolutely horrible or wonderful it's going to be, but it's here.
tonality
who's listening? who's always listening?
tell it goes away. fades away.
charcoal burnt cookies tearing into the flesh
make amends. get those points, win the game
you'll lose. you can't. you'll lose.
forgive me father for i have sinned.
everyone knows.
slow breaths, closed eyes
knowing ultimately it's okay. it's always okay
because he knows. He understands
acceptance in closed arms
doors open. shut eyes. I
where do you find it?
solace.
in a voice
( 2005 )
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| surge |
[28 Jul 2005|09:14am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 envious |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
let go - frou frou |
] |
i could write some sappy optimistic entry if i felt like it. i could scream joy and happiness for all. but i won't. because that's not who i am. so who exactly am i? i'm not going to get all introspective and ramble about how i'm lost and need to find my identity. on second thought, i might.
two years. of growth. falling back. returning to single moments. invasive. stop it. but who am i stopping? myself? or someone else?
be loud. speak. silence.
must everything fade? life is but a single breath. we flower and we fade.
let's go back. it's necessary. knowledge is there. just keep searching.
the wall that divides us.
( glimpse )
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|
[17 Jun 2005|01:23pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
cheerful |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
power of goodbye - madonna |
] |
there are certain things people fail to understand. others. we are not accountable for the actions which one presumes. we have our own convoluted lives and problems. inevitability. i cannot explain the rash impulsive events which continuously occur. it's funny when you lie down on your stomach. you can feel your heart pulsing. movement.
i cleaned my room yesterday. once again i tackled the everyday task of doing laundry. and now i listen. conveying my every thought and action seems to be extremely banal yet i continue. hoping that i'm knocking on that door. someone's door. praying He'll understand.
i never gave up. i never let go. i just pressed pause. so hold my hand and take me back. it's simple. it's that willingness to return, but for some reason i don't feel it's enough. the strong desire to achieve a goal or aspiration involves more than passion, drive -- there needs to be awareness, acknowledgment.
still green. but that innocence is lost. the girl who was waiting forever to feel, to awake from a life devoid of emotion awakes. alone with my raging emotions waiting to burst. i guess i never stopped. waiting. wanting.
it hurts. sitting here. writing. feeling the salt the body weeps.
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| la vie et la mort |
[10 Apr 2005|06:14pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 blah |
] |
| [ |
music |
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stoned - dido |
] |
j'aime comment je me sens comme je dois dire que quelque chose profondément et tout qui sortent est la merde.
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| tell me |
[05 Dec 2004|04:30pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 worried |
] |
| [ |
music |
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don't panic - coldplay |
] |
why i can't bleed.
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| the usual |
[02 Dec 2004|07:32pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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restless |
] |
| [ |
music |
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power of goodbye - madonna |
] |
first i want to say, poor greg who got in a bicycle accident yet again. i send out my love. lol, or at least my concern. i hope you're alive and if you need any blood, you know who to come to. dork.
posting before my state of hibernation. that's right, no electronic things. i might even turn off my cell phone. lol. anyways, i thought i'd sum up a couple things before i return to my reclusive existence. i signed up for classes today. i couldn't get into art, so i signed up for a directed group study and i need to look into that more. i also emailed the professor because i want to get into that class. im planning on dropping mcb 102 so i'll be in two sciences, art, and english. maybe i'll actually be happy. we'll see. if i get into art i will be happy. other than that, i suck at organic chemistry which is why im going to lay off of taking three sciences at one time. lol.
besides that, im tired. i don't think people quite understand. i'm not asking for that. i'm asking for the effort. it's betrayal. it's paranoia. who can i trust? who won't judge. who won't tell me that i'm some jaded person who's a little off her rocker? so i don't say anything. the more people tell me, the less i tell them. because those walls start caving in...you flag those things that you can't discuss anymore because you know it'll upset them. and that elephant standing in the middle of the room, it just gets larger. basically what i wanted to say here, again it's censored. you learn to keep everything inside. you learn to be fake. to pretend everything's okay. to hold those emotions inside so that when you want to cry, nothing happens.
i went to the gym today. i almost cried. but the point is, i didn't. i'm not going through mood swings, i'm not pmsing. i'm not depressed. i'm fine. oh well. yes. oh well. other stuff happened i guess, but i sorta stopped summarizing my day to day encounters.
i guess i just want to say. have a little faith in me. please. that's all i'm asking for. so i make mistakes. so i do some pretty weird things because it makes sense to me. as punishment. discipline. control. no i'm not masochistic.
with that said, i'm going to write my research paper about the abuse of over-the-counter drugs and eating disorders. ironic, isn't it?
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| red |
[06 Nov 2004|08:46am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 artistic |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
take me away - avril lavigne |
] |
it's come to my attention that i haven't posted for over a month. so lj-cutting for those who care not about what i've been doing. believe me it's not that entertaining.
( october )
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| life |
[23 Sep 2004|12:27am] |
| [ |
mood |
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 determined |
] |
| [ |
music |
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more than words - extreme |
] |
so i thought i was following you today. it's funny how you can see someone you're not sure you want to, or if you're supposed to, and then, upon appearance of someone else... you doubt it, you stop. did you really see them or did you just hope you did? annex stairs. 10 am. unspeakable words unspoken.
fall semester. i haven't really discussed it so i guess i will now. it's like the horoscope said: rollercoastering. find yourself hating things you didn't previously. appreciating what you once despised.
i've seen people. i've done things.
i can't really get introspective. i've been hurting myself. starvation kills but eating is for the weak. behind in classes, lack of love life, struggling to keep myself healthy and for that matter - sane.
still searching - for the beat. waiting for that knock at my door. until then, i will continue living this emotionless existence watching every second slip before me. opportunities lost.
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| shattered and bleeding |
[02 Sep 2004|08:50am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 blank |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
hands - jewel |
] |
call me the ravishing other
in the soft greyness of mirrors,
i am demure;
wine simmers under my cheeks,
electric and dear.
on the window of the book store,
they have taped yellowed sheets of
poetry, with thin black letters
and rambling stanzas. it
brings solace. he
sits in the rich, bustling coffee house of
my imagination. i should have no expectations.
i shall walk quietly on a lawn of green,
wide with nothingness.
the lurid lovers
spin their swollen flames
with little sanity, twirling
in the august dawn like
ancient pink and orange ink
laced across an infinite slate
of blank sky
incantations, you wonder what is left to speak. revelations. you wonder what is left to speak. formulations. you wonder what is left. to speak.
so there's something wrong with this. but as usual, i never stop. i just let it go. eight words that will forever change my life. it's funny how people can make a difference in your lifewithout ever knowing. other than that, i got into anthro which isn't so wonderful because i really wanted to get into women's studies. we'll see where that goes. there she goes again.
one moment. one mistake. and she can't seem to get herself to figure out why. why she continues to watch these shattered dreams fall before her. the glass breaks and that's no excuse to go off breaking anything else. memories resurfaced. a past unwanted. denial. it wasn't like that. it never happened. but today? no progression. here i am again, in that circle watching outside the glass globe as everything spirals down. you smile you nod...you agree. yes, it will be better. yes, you can do it. reality kills. introspection sucks. wake up. wake up.
every day it's the same. the challenge is breaking out. reaching that optimum point when there's progress, change. because it can't go on like this anymore. send them. i'll down them like mad. starve me. no one knows. no one will. you dont go around flamboyantly declaring and proclaiming this part of you. but i guess the positive side is that i'm bleeding. that's right laurel, i'm bleeding. so see, i'm normal. nothing to worry about.
then what is it? where is the root to this inescapable scene that i continue to replay in my mind and in my life? can't i stop? it's not an addiction. i could just get up and leave. i could do what i always do, but i'm not. i'm staying this time. and even though in a way that's different, i doubt it's beneficial. forgive my pessimism but this fades. everything is broken.
broken. you stray so far from perfection you don't know where to start. and i know how tired everyone is of my ranting but i can't help it.
i can hear you in a whisper but you can't even hear me screaming. why do we scream? what assistance do i need? attention? no. acceptance? happiness? i will continue to ask what is real? i will continue to push to be. that never ends. however that image of perfection is so skewed it's like a disillusioned gatsby worshipping something he will never grasp. it's that idea. the idea that it's all right. but it's not. but it's ok. convince yourself that it's truth, that it's what you want...and disregard everything else. rebellion? no. desperation? perhaps.
words mean so much. they repeat themselves over and over again. and they show up everywhere to mock you. so you look for an exit, for some way to redeem or negate what's been said. you go off hurting whoever you feel like, using whomever you run into until you reach that point. what point is that? the point in your life when you're "superior" enough to not feel anymore?
densensitized monster screams within in the walls. and he sleeps. there will never be a moment in time when he will understand, when he will see what damage he's done. he won't hear it. it's mute. some things are better left unsaid. better left ignored.
you have these moments when you stop and look at what you've done, but then you move on. it's ironic, i'm taking an eating disorders class when everyone's been pointing at me like i have one. look at me. i'm not scarily thin, i'm not throwing up my food, i'm not abusing otc drugs...i'm fine. i will admit it would be nice to lose it. to control it. it's about pushing yourself to be better. and i will never stop doing that.
satisfaction doesn't come easily. high expectations. disappointment. scramble.
it's not a game. it's not a conquest. and it definitely isn't funny. i'm tired of it.
never give up.
silly little girl. silly little girl. always. why can't i focus anymore, why can't i do what i'm supposed to anymore?
whatever i'm stopping before he awakes. because he can't know now can he?
|
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| posting |
[25 Aug 2004|12:23am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 confused |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
whirring of my computer |
] |
Choices are made; emotional boundaries are transgressed; and innocence is lost...
i've been thinking way too much and blabbing way too much and exposing myself. it's vulnerability i can do without. i'm strong. this isn't how i run, but some people just unravel me...
anyways, sorry for anyone that has had to listen to me rave and rant and scream and get frustrated. it's going to stop. it's stopping now.
i need to think on my own. take my own advice. lose inhibitions. i know what i want and i know it's scary and risky, but i've already gone so far. so i have a plan, i'm not going online after this post until i reach berkeley because every time i go online it's just more detrimental because i start criticizing and analyzing like mad.
i'll pack and clear my mind and sleep and see friends for one last time before i go and that'll be that. i'll go up to berkeley and i'll deal. or i'll hide.
school will start. there will be routine. everything will be back to normal. antisocial rosaline who works into the late hours of the night, here i come. wish me luck, because i need it dearly.
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| revelations |
[19 Aug 2004|10:37pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 tired |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
redemption - switchfoot |
] |
( previous revelations )
so that was the past revelation. what's the revelation now? i don't know. i'll get to that somewhere in between my long post.
summer school in berkeley wasn't so bad. i met interesting people in my classes... janine, conan, amit, ben, miles, whitney, nick, other nick, s, and any other guys i decided to talk to, lol. i don't remember who else. invites from david. brownies at aep with david and gideon. chilling with harrison, ethan and all the other aep boys. good times. random zbt frat parties. running into the kitchen to spy on certain favorites. pretending i have laundry to do, looking out the window at around 12:30 pm, just to check. haha. san francisco trips. photo shoots. shopping. crazy men hitting on me. spiderman 2. the village.
i can't sum up every moment that happened so i won't. it was fun, despite all the studying and papers...i had a good time. i guess it helped to have christina come up and loosen me up a bit.
then this week i got to see all american rejects (love for tyson) and tomorrow i'm going shopping. i got to know people from the place i'm living at so i won't be a stranger in the fall...life is good.
being home has helped me reevaluate things with closer inspection. people are weak. vulnerable. i'm gaining a grasp of what i'm doing. everyone has motives. i need to be careful. i can't be misled. but at the same time, i've walked into something i can't describe. it's ethereal. i don't know what i'm doing and i don't really care.
basically my mother doesnt trust me and fears that im going to grow up and marry some high profile guy and get blackmailed. whatever.
how do i feel? why do people act on things. why do people lie. im tired of it. im tired of people stepping all over me pretending like it doesnt matter. like my emotions don't exist. save it. i know what you're going to say and frankly i don't care. it's not just once. it's not just a single case. no, it's more. it's returning calls. it's saying hello and asking how i am. it's doing something without taking responsibility for your actions.
poof it's gone. magic. nothing happened. sure. let's just pretend it was all a dream.
so i have problems. so i have a lot of them. i'm working on it. and what's funny is, most of them disappear. sure i run away and pretend that i don't have any problems until they build up and explode but i think i'm getting better.
im not the same little girl anymore. honestly. i'm not. i'm doing things i didn't think i would. some things scare me. some decisions are wrong, some are misled, and some might actually be good for me. but the point is, i'm making them. i'm going forward. no more of this backwards crap. forget the past and go.
sometimes you say something like it's good. like things will get better, but they never do. you envision how something is going to be, you make promises. you break them. don't even try anymore. just go away. if you want a competition, i'm ahead of the game.
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| concerns |
[06 Aug 2004|07:38am] |
| [ |
mood |
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hurt |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
iris - goo goo dolls |
] |
who knows how long this post will be. how censored it will be. how artificial.
( let go )
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| i shouldn't be having this much fun |
[01 Aug 2004|08:40pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 giddy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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perfect - alanis morisette |
] |
okay, i'm going to try to make this post quick because i don't have that much time because i didn't do anything over my weekend, work anyways. lol. okay, so friday night i said i was going to do work, but i ended up applying for jobs and going out to see the village and get a sundae at mel's with amit. then saturday i hung out with my sister and didn't get anything done either. tri came down from davis to hang out so that was cool, we spent the day in san francisco and we didn't get lost! hooray for us! we did run past our street harrison a couple times though. but it was nice. i haven't had that much fun in a long time. bought clothes, got some nice underwear, haha...life is good. rainforest cafe, too much food, but it's okay. krispy kremes in the morning, i swear there's no one out there that can make me do the things this boy makes me do. except not, since he's a man since he's old and he can drink. :)
so we didn't get to go clubbing, so i didn't go to the drivingvotes.org party...
it was a full moon.
i called seiji.
tri came over.
tall pale dead boy spotting.
life is good.
and now to be depressing...
holy crap for finals and papers due. that's all i have to say.
|
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| ithyphallophobia |
[19 Jul 2004|02:14pm] |
it's been an extremely long time since my last post so i decided i would post at the request of my dearest katan. lol. lj-cutting.
( rewind )
|
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| hooray! |
[08 Jun 2004|10:42am] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 bouncy |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
The corrs - Breathless |
] |
i can't believe it, i got into second semester ochem! hahaha, and i'm soooo happy. it's just sad. honestly it's called more torture except without the math, but still. anyhow, i also signed up for some directed group practice of art class. it should be interesting. lol. at least it's not letter graded so they can't take off points for my lack of skill. lol. been looking at ac classes too, looks like i can't take history anymore because of ochem so now i dont know what i'm going to do about getting rid of history breadth and ac. grrrr. and for is, i think i'm going to take some asian studies class or something. i could take anthro for ac, but how interested am i in archaeology? exactly. lol, and then i have to consider courseload. ochem takes over my life, i can't take classes in which i need to think. hahah. and i'm trying to stray away from friday classes. poopy. there's this art ac class that looks interesting but it's on mwf. ugh. so we'll see. seriously, i should look into my minor program too. but those classes fill so fast i can never get in. i think i have to take the 45 series next and then it's upper divs all the way. oh yeah, i have to remember i have work study to do too. ewwwwwwwww. lab anyone? :)
all right, enough about berkeley talk, no wait. stupid summer school. ugh. i better get into english or else i better find a job. hahah. which reminds me of what i'm going to do after this post. read harry potter. no not exactly, well i probably will, but that's not what i'm supposed to be doing.
today
have to pack and buy more stuff for my room. ahhhh. if gloria's free today it'd be cool to hang. if not, i'll just head to the gym and try to lose all that fat. lol. if you know me, you'd understand. or maybe you wouldn't. muahahaha.
tomorrow
tanning with christina
running/soccer, tennis would be nice. sigh.
thursday
andrew's graduation (but they haven't told me anything about it, so it'd be nice to know about it if they want us to go)
mtv movie awards (this just screams party, haha)
hollywood trip, woohoo!
friday
del mar fair with the family
i don't know what i'm doing earlier in the day, working out? hahah.
weekend
jaime horio's coming home, so like duh, time with him.
it's so scary how fast everything is going. i mean i'm almost going back up to berkeley again it's scary. and there are soooo many people i still haven't hung out with that haven't even come home from college yet! my dearest brandon is coming home the 15th, so we better hang out before i leave which is practically the 17th since i'm going to la for the film festival with brian. and what is up with the recurring dreams about brandon? and it's funny because he asked me just yesterday if he was fashionably dressed the first time i dreamt about him, so i think this time, i paid attention to what he was wearing, and let's just say he wasn't so fashionably dressed. hahah. something about the swings and being fake. haha.
okay, back to work. hooray for ochem! what if i forgot everything from chem3a? oh god.
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| i'm probably going to lj cut this |
[01 Jun 2004|01:24pm] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
cheerful |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
the sounds of summer |
] |
so like my dad just slipped me some alcohol in my lemonade, what is this? he told me it was mint, and now it's called 20% alcohol. lol. whatever. the weirdness of my father. it's okay, i love my daddy. so my last post was last month, unlike brandon who didn't post for like two months. thanks again for the male nudes by the way, you know me too well. *wink, wink* anyhow, so i came home and unpacked monday and tuesday, and then all the mini-adventures (haha, right) begin.
( let the fun begin... )
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oryxis's journal